I always sought out the Divine Writings, above all, the laws of God and their explanation of them by the Fathers, and the apostolic traditions, then the lives and the teachings of the Holy Fathers, and I gave my whole attention to these and so gradually learned. In them I lived and breathed...and if there was something to do to improve myself, and if I did not find it immediately in the Holy Writings, I laid it aside until I could find some teaching on this point.
Pray simply. Do not expect to find in your heart any remarkable gift of prayer. Consider yourself unworthy of it. Then you will find peace. Use the empty cold dryness of your prayer as food for your humility. Repeat constantly: I am not worthy; Lord, I am not worthy! But say it calmly; without agitation.
Because the nous can get tired by the reciting of all the words of the Jesus Prayer, it is necessary to make it shorter: 'Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.' Or, 'Lord have mercy on me.' Or, 'Lord Jesus.' As the Christian progresses in the work of the Jesus Prayer, he can decrease the words. He can even sometimes insist on the word 'Jesus,' which he says repeatedly (Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, my Jesus)--a wave of calmness and joy rises in him. He should remain in this sweetness which appears and not stop the prayer, even if his usual rule of prayer is finished. He should seize and keep this warmth of his heart and take advantage of this gift of God! For it is a great gift which God sends from on high. The warmth of the heart helps the nous effectively to be fixed on the words of the Jesus Prayer ... If one wants to spend all day in prayer, he should follow the recommendation of the Holy Fathers. He should pray for an hour, read for an hour and then again spend an hour in prayer. When he is engaged in manual work too, he should try to say the Jesus Prayer.
You are, I am sure, aware that for you penitence is now no longer limited to disclosing your sins to your confessor, but that you must now bear your sins in mind always, until your heart nearly breaks with their ugly load; and would break, were it not for your firm faith in the mercy of our Lord.
You describe how bitterly you regret the inefficacy of your prayers. Beware: to wish for consolation or revelation in prayer is a sure sign of pride. Pray humbly, in perfect simplicity, seeking salvation only through forgiveness, & having faith that God will extend to you His mercy - as He did to the publican.
Our achievements must never loom large in our eyes; only our failures. But this must never lead us to despondency - the constant temptation - only to humility.
Do not think that even here any one of us constantly enjoys consolation. No: here, as everywhere, flesh and mind are at war; here as everywhere, there is falling into pride and purification through humbling: here, as everywhere, we long for consolations but must learn to carry a weighty cross. This cross tests our love. Can we, do we love God even under the weight of the most bitter adversities?
In answer to your question as to what constitutes a happy life, whether splendor, fame and wealth, or a quiet, peaceful, family life, I will say that I agree with the latter, but will add the following: A life lived in humility and with an irreproachable conscience brings peace, tranquility, and true happiness. But wealth, honor, glory and exalted position often serve as the cause of a multitude of sins, and such happiness is not one on which to rely.
Not one of us can boast of having acquired humility: our actions, the whole of our life, prove the contrary. And where there is a lack of humility, pride is always present. Where light is wanting, darkness reigns.
The Martyrs won Paradise through their blood; the Ascetics, through their ascetic life. Now you, my brethren, who have children, how will you win Paradise? By means of hospitality, by giving to your brothers who are poor, blind, or lame.
When you ae conscious of the sweetness of divine grace working in you and when prayer operates in your heart, then you must continue in it. Do not interrupt it or rise up to sing psalms as long as God sees fit to leave its work in you, for to do so would be to leave God who is within, in order to call on Him outside yourself, as if one were to leave the heights to stoop down to the flats.
Faith is truly a gift, gained for us through Christ's advent. But this does not abolish our freedom or responsibility. God desires of us not only faith but action too.
You ask for some way of completely eradicating irritability. The inclination to irritability is given us to use against sin, and we were never meant to use it against our fellow men. When we do, we act contrary to our true nature.
